Hey guys,
Yeah, I know, it’s been a while, and some of you have been worried about me which is actually very sweet of you, and I’ve been very slack in letting you all know that right now I’m perfectly fine. I feel bad for taking so long in getting back to people, but there’s a myriad of reasons for that which I’m probably going to touch on in my little ramble here.
First thing is that I was recently caught up in a natural disaster. January was not a good time to live in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia with torrential rains and an overflowing dam flooding the entire city and putting entire suburbs underwater. I am very lucky to say that I was unaffected initially, mostly because I live on top of a very tall (and painful to walk) hill, but the areas geographically beneath me were utterly destroyed. No shops, no transport, and roads blocked for days. Couple that with a loss of power and clean water for a week and it was no picnic.
Things have mostly picked up since then. Actually I really am surprised by how fast a lot of the community is bouncing back. Some places you can’t even tell had been drowned out, but there they are now. Still, recovery has been going strong for a while and it doesn’t feel totally like a valid excuse to not return to writing.
The other thing which I’ve found myself focusing on is getting healthy mentally. It’s a hard thing to talk about, but at the same time it’s a profound thing to be able to express that I am not a well woman. A few of you that have done things like add me on Facebook and the like have gotten a glimpse at some of the issues I face, but here where I archive my stories there’s not really been a forum for it to come up.
I don’t want to sell this as a sob story, because that’s how a lot of people frame it when I put it out there. It’s just the truth. It’s what I’ve been focusing on the last two/three months. Still, here it goes.
For the past three years, roughly since the beginning of my transition, I’ve been dealing with social anxiety and panic disorder. Neither are very pleasant things. Not being able to walk outside ten feet without looking over your shoulder and feeling like your heart is literally going to explode in your chest with fear is not pleasant. At one point it was so bad that I couldn’t leave the confines of my home for six months. (Amazing what you can get done with the internet handy.)
It’s a terrible way to have to live, and I’m honestly ashamed of it, especially in light of the idiots who come up and say I didn’t go anywhere or do anything because I’m just lazy or lack the determination to do something. It’s a lonely way to live, even for someone like me who is blessed with an amazing, loving partner. It also leads to depression and eventually you become convinced that you’re the lesser of other people because you can’t do things everyone else can like go and get a slurpee from the 711 just around the corner. For a while it even lead to self-harm, and for anyone who has lived through it or watched someone live through you will know that’s a pretty dark road to go down.
That’s the not so pretty story. However I’m very fortunate to say that 2011 is looking like my year. This year I’ve finally found the help I need (medication also helps, despite some of the lectures I’ve received), and I’m well on the road to recovery. I’m more active, social and balanced, have started exercising, and have even applied for a number of jobs: the first I’ll have had in years. My sense of value as a human being has risen exponentially, and unfortunately the cost of that has been footed by some of my creative endeavors.
Shimmer will be back soon. It’s my baby, after all, and I’m probably going to be writing about Glimmer Girl forever (or at least until the elusive chapter 300 which is how far I’ve got things planned. No joke.) In the meantime I ask for your patience. Feel free to hate me a little bit (gods know I get impatient with me too), but it’s for a good cause.
For those of you who stick around, thanks for letting me know you care. It means something to me that even when I’m gone you still keep coming back. It makes this all feel worth it.
In the meantime I hope you’re well, and I’ll try get something out soon. No promises when, but soon.
Thanks,
Miranda Sparks